Quiet day

Well, I’ve been checking the TNT consignment tracker all day, and it looks as if the MacBook I wound up ordering is somewhere in the skies between Singapore and Grafton. Grafton. Where on earth is that? Estimated delivery date is the 10th, which means it’s not likely the laptop’s going to plop down in my lap this afternoon (though a girl can still, irrationally, hope).

This week has been extremely quiet at work, and aside from a full day of work on a client site yesterday, there’s been a lot of web surfing. I’d much rather be at home, doing something productive like poking around in the garden, but the intricacies of work dictate that although I have nothing to do, I must do nothing here at my desk. Fair enough then. I shall blog.

Steve is going for a bike ride at lunchtime, which is a good thing, as it means that the Karapoti hasn’t put him off biking. He did amazingly, by the way - even though he hasn’t updated all the details on his blog yet - beating his previous PB with a time of 3 hours 22 minutes.

So anyway, I have a free lunch period (sounds like I’m back in school) and I have both a book (Wuthering Heights) and a notebook to keep me company. I just need somewhere quiet to go. I don’t really fancy sitting in a cafe somewhere - you always feel like you have to move on once your coffee’s finished - but refuse to stay here at my desk. Steve suggested the cemetery, which is a lot less morbid than it sounds. The Bolton Street Cemetery is a lovely place just off The Terrace, where heaps of people go for lunch. Much nicer than Midland Park (which someone very kindly has reviewed), which gets so crowded and gives you the impression of a whole lot of suited pigeons who can’t think of anywhere better to sit. The cemetery is more my style, though I hope it’s not too cold.

…Where the hell is Grafton? Is it in Auckland?

In other news, each of the (three) items that I’ve put up on TradeMe have precisely… no bids. I wonder if it’s because I’ve priced them fairly, answered everyone’s questions promptly and included some good photos? Nah, that couldn’t be it.

gaming xmas guide; grades; xmas shopping and the rest…

OK, first things first:

• the NZGamer christmas guide for gamers has just been posted. Talk about a pile under the christmas tree!
• I’m not going for anything electronic this year (uh, not that I do other years either, not really) - Steve and I have decided we’re going to make as many of our presents as possible. We’re going to give things like dukkah and spice mixes, homemade cookies (Snickerdoodles for Dad!), some of my pottery, knitted things (socks), and I’m sending my sis some of my homespun wool. Yeah, a real touchy-feely christmas for all, but it’s actually pretty fun.

In other news:

• I made soap! Yes, soap! I started off with this recipe here, but had to modify it when I realised we got home from our grocery shop and I’d forgotten to get the olive oil! Had to rush down to the dairy but they only had one 500 ml bottle. I increased the amount of coconut  and palm oils to make up for the lacking 500ml. In addition, I decreased the amount of lye used, as I double checked the quantities using the very great Majestic Mountain Sage Lye Calculator. Unfortunately, as MMS can’t send liquids overseas, I had to purchase my ingredients somewhere else - and did so through the very excellent Aromatics and More, for the oils (including fragrance oils), and I purchased the sodium hydroxide (lye) from Go Native. Both sites were very good to deal with - I recommend them wholeheartedly. I also changed the recipe a bit by splitting the batch into two after I reached trace, and gave each a different fragrance (using half the sweet almond oil and fragrance oil for each batch). So I have two trays of vanilla and green apple soaps all curing now in my kitchen. It’s going to be hard to wait for them to cure!
• I got an A for my research essay! I’m still waiting to find out about my final grade (as the honours mark incorporates the work you do in all your subjects, and is just one overall grade), but in a way I don’t care - I put in a lot of work into my essay and I’m really proud of it. That mark alone has made last year’s work all worthwile!

Woo! New fibre (fiber?)

Just finished making an order with Crown Mountain Farms. They had some sweet looking hemp top, as well as some plain tussah silk and I caved and got myself a silk hanky. Oh, and then I got some sock yarn. *sigh* I have no self-control this month. Anyway, as of Monday I’ll be at my new job and will be too busy to spend all my hours trolling the internet, ordering things I can’t afford and updating my blog with such regularity.

It’s Thursday and I’ve got one more day here at work before I finish up. Things have really got hideously boring lately, what with handing over all my tasks to other people, and now I am stuck with nothing to do but answer the odd question.

Yesterday, after work, pissed off at the crap job I had done dyeing some merino earlier in the week, I tried Hello Yarn’s oven method. Even though I didn’t even bother to mix up any new dye, and instead of adding vinegar to the dye I just sprayed it with my spray bottle of white vinegar, it really came up fine. Quite vivid, even though the fuschia/brown combo had quite a bit of dye come out in the rinse. I put it on the clothes rack to dry and spent the rest of the night working away on my über fine lime green number that has taken what feels like forever to complete. I still have no idea what to do with it once it’s done. Socks? Who would want lime green socks? Even if they were some rad pattern? Still thinking.

Speaking of Fuschia, I want to go here. I went to Doolin when I was living in Ireland, and it was the most mad place I think I’ve ever visited. There was one pub, and it was totally crowded with everyone from town, all drinking and playing music. It was one of the most freeking awesome places I’ve been to. And I’d love to go back to Connemara while I was there too.

Sigh.

foul

I’m already in a bit of a foul mood after getting some bitchy email from this woman at work, wondering why a report went out half a day later than when it was finished (even though I sent it out four days before it was due). I took the bait and sent back an equally snarky email. Aargh. Hate work.

Have been trying to update my blogroll and links (have been trying to get rid of the waffly and meaningless “personal” category, so you might notice a few more have appeared, namely “booze”, “cooking”, “daydreaming”, “food”, “OMG News!”, “pets”, “swimming” and “travel”). I’m also acutely aware that most of the blogs I like are riddled with photos, but the unfortunate reality of my blogging habit is that most of it is done from work, where I can’t really spend a lot of time playing around with pictures. I’ll try and make a bit more of a concerted effort to do some photo blogging on the weekends (and also finish that damn Vietnam section).

We’re due to go to the bank this afternoon to finalise the mortgage, but Steve’s solicitor can’t get through to their Public Trust people to agree on a settlement date. I’m not sure if that’s going to hold things up, but I hope not…we’re hoping we’ll be able to take ownership by this Friday (and go run around the place on the weekend, hehe).

Oh, and last night Daph and I went to the Craftwerk knitting night at the Southern Cross. It was lots of fun! The weather was cold and miserable, black and rainy, and we all sat in on the couches near the fire, knitting (some crocheting) and drinking cider, then hot chocolates with rum. ‘Twas lovely.

Big time catch-up

Jeez, it’s been a little while. Things have been so busy, it’s not funny!

Steve & I have found a place that we’re going to make an offer on. It’s up for tender and we’ve no idea what anyone else is going to be bidding, but we’re going to go for it. So we’ve been going back and forth to the property (with the real estate guy, Noel) to go through it with a builder, Steve’s mate Scott (the plumber), the valuer (tomorrow) and a trip to the open home with Daph & Graeme. We’ve also been back and forth to the bank a couple times but have got our pre-approval sorted out now. The tender’s next week, so we’re gonna be crossing our fingers till then!

I’ve been trying to find a new job for ages, and finally got one! It’s with a software company in town (Intergen), doing software testing. They’re a really cool, young, growing, go-places sort of place. It has a really good vibe and some of my friends (Brent, Simon & Nathan) already work there and say it’s a great place to work. My last day here is the 20th of July, which is weird, but also feels really really good.

I’ve been doing a little bit of crafty stuff lately, including spinning, knitting, and making lip balms! The spinning and knitting are my own hand-dyed (and hand-spun) stuff, which always feels wonderful, while the lip balm making is pretty new. I read up about it on Majestic Mountain Sage but then found out they don’t ship liquids overseas. So then I went back and ordered some basics off TradeMe, and got the rest (flavour oils, cute little containers) from Escentials of Australia. They were really good to deal with - they rang me from Aussie when I had typed in my credit card details incorrectly, and the goodies arrived in only a couple of days.

I’ve also got my research essay I have to complete as soon as I can (especially if the house goes through, cause we’d be doing a fair bit of renovating before we moved in) - 10,000 words by October. Ideally I’d like to get it done before then, so naturally I’ve been spending all my time reading the Robin Hobb Assassin books (nearly through book number three!) which are totally compulsive reads.

I really do need to get through my huge stash of fleece and wool that’s threatening to take over one corner of my little study. I’ve got one big bag in particular, that I was hoping to spin in the grease. I haven’t been able to find a lot of information on the net about it, cause most people tend to like spinning white fluffy fleece. I just want to try it out and see what it’s like (though I hear it clogs up your spinning wheel’s orifice just a tad)! Plus I see the listings in my Etsy shop have expired. Whoops. Better get spinning again.

Monday…

And already I’ve spent most of the day reading Salon.com and NeilGaiman.com and messing around with weird queries at work, having lunch with Steve, reading “Royal Assassin”, and wishing I was at home. It’s so boring at work lately - nothing much to do, no colleague to talk with and email and hideous boredom. I want a new job! It’s not even as if I’m just sitting around doing nothing - I’ve been applying for jobs, going to interviews, and always I seem to just miss out. I’ve been told “you were our first choice but we had to go with the internal applicant”, “we think you’d be too bored”, and even though experience wasn’t necessary “we went with someone who had more experience”…and on and on. It’s so frustrating. All I want is a change of scene, a change of pace, new thoughts to think, a different schedule. Every work day is the same - go to work, go through the paces, check clock every five minutes or so until the end of the day, drive home with Steve, make dinner, maybe go for a swim or write a game review or preview (more previews than reviews lately), maybe do some reading for class, scribble some notes, wind up bored in front of the TV (we should put an axe through it) or watching a DVD while drinking too much red wine. I’m so desperate to break out of the routine, but my whole life’s become a freaking routine lately.

Don’t get me wrong, some routine is good - helps to set habits and get work done. But frankly, there’s so little point in me coming in most mornings, it’s hard to work up some enthusiasm for the job. I’d be better off at home, planting cabbages in the garden or doing dishes or something. Going to the library, going for a drive somewhere, ringing a friend on the phone. Scribbling down ideas instead of keeping them all in my head.

I’m just not achieving anything.

Free afternoon

I got a phone call this morning from Brian to say he couldn’t make it this afternoon, so I’m here at work with no trip up to uni, but still it’s a little bit of a relief. Not that I don’t enjoy our discussions of my (slowly) developing research paper, but it will be good to be able to go to the next meeting with a bit more to show for myself.

Work’s incredibly quiet and dull at the moment and I’m finding it really difficult these days to maintain some degree of enthusiasm for what’s become a highly repetitious, mind-numbing set of routines.

Yesterday Steve and I went to the Wellington city gallery during lunch and had a look at the “Telecom Prospect 2007” exhibition. As with a lot of modern art, some was exciting and interesting, some pretty ho-hum. I very much like the gallery though, set in the middle of the Civic Square. It reminds me a little of the area around the library in The Hague, which I used to bike to every week or so when I lived over there.

- Some days I biked out to Scheveningen too, which was awesome. I miss being able to cycle everywhere. Wellington’s a great city, but a lot of people who drive are still real jerks when it comes to looking out for cyclists, plus the streets are often too narrow to give any cyclists real space. I don’t bike at all here, and I miss it.

Those days were really awesome, and though it’s weird thinking back to times spent with an ex, I felt good in myself back then. I was writing a lot, reading a lot, working very little, discovering The Hague, cycling around, seeing loads of great art as well. Not just Van Gough and Piet Mondrian (who I fell in love with), but a lot of other contemporary European art as well. I very much think the not working had a lot to do with it, but there was also the excitement of discovering a new place, having the time to write and read copiously, and having free reign over Aart’s apartment when he was at work. Plus it was great getting to the point when I could communicate with shopkeepers in dutch, or order things in pubs (not just ‘twee bieren’ either) . And I love foreign supermarkets, hehe.

I’d love to re-connect with that feeling again. And I do think it’s possible to do that in Wellington. There are so many things I have here that completely top what I had back then, especially Steve and Sooty, who make me feel so amazing. But my work situation really is bad news, I don’t like what it has done to my brain and my self-confidence. I need to explore more, do some more stuff on my own. (Quit and get some kooky random job…)

urgh

Not feeling the best today - actually, I didn’t feel that great yesterday either. I hope I’m not coming down with something. Apparently there are a few people around at work who have been off sick. I can just see it getting piped through into all the different offices and rooms around the place. In particular, my eyes feel really dry and painful, even when I use eyedrops - the regular kind as well as my prescription ones. Maybe there’s just a lot of pollen in the air now that it’s finally spring.

It’s been a gorgeous day, and I’ve been stuck inside, very unhappily. Sunny, warm, people walking around in non-office clothing, wandering around doing non-office things. Who are these people? How do they make their money? I ask myself that every day. Like the old Talking Heads song - “how did I get here?” It all feels like some sort of slow car crash that I’ve been watching in slow motion. Work, that is. Everything else is so great at the moment that I almost feel selfish complaining about my job. I have to just keep reminding myself that I originally took it as a temporary thing when I first came back to the country. I have no idea what possessed me to stick around for so long.

One thing I did do, was finish reading Never Let Me Go, by Kazuo Ishiguro. It was a funny sort of book, a lot less dramatic and compulsive than I expected. Mind you, I’ve never read any of Ishiguro’s other books, so maybe it’s just that I’m not familiar with his style. At the same time, thought, it had a bittersweetness about it, a schoolgirl’s innocent commentary about her sheltered life. I found I put it down when I was somewhere around the middle, as I grew a bit bored hearing all about Kathy and her ongoing battles with Ruth, and finding about what made Tommy tick. I guess I kept waiting for the punchline, the decisive moment, the minute when all of the details would come to have a fuller meaning, but they didn’t… That said, I found when I finally returned to the book, there was something about it that made me continue. I guess I wanted to find out whether Kathy would finally become a donor, and what would happen to her. But you never find out, though Ishiguro does let it slip that Kathy will stop being a carer by the end of the year. Somehow despite my dissatisfaction with the novel, it had a lovely wistfulness and sadness about it that has stayed with me.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of spinning lately, not writing much though, not studying, just spinning and watching movies in the evenings. It’s nice but makes me wish I had more time to myself. The weekends just wash away, and then I’m back at work again. I wish I could work from home.

Maybe I’m just feeling a bit flat from Saturday night. We stayed up really late, drinking vodkas and looking out Alex’s window over all the lights and the ocean. But it is nearly home time - at last!

sick (and a few goals)

Hello, I’m writing to you from home today! I have been home for the past five days with a hideous cold - I even spent saturday night puking into a bucket. Nice eh. Today (Tuesday) finds me back in the land of the living, though I would by no means say I am anywhere near 100%. The last few days have gone by in a complete blur. It’s completely bizarre - I think I slept for the middle three days, and today made myself stay awake for most of the day (though I did have a few naps) in an attempt to acclimitise myself to having to get up for work tomorrow.

I suppose the one good thing about going to work tomorrow is that I’m actually on leave for half the day - so I will only be in for the morning. Then I will be heading home to wait for the Telstra man to come and install cable for Steve and I - so from tomorrow onwards, we will have cable TV and a cable modem. I am finally leaving dial-up behind me forever! (Well, for now, anyway.) I hope the cable TV thing isn’t going to be a pain. I mean, I hope we don’t wind up living in front of the TV or something. We pretty much got it so we won’t miss out on sports (rugby, motorbikes, that sort of thing) and I thought getting the Rialto channel might be nice, etc. etc. etc. It all feels a bit…normal, really. It’s going to take a bit of getting used to.

I’m wracking my brain, trying to think of news, but of course, I’ve been home sick, I haven’t got any news. Apparently we have moved down to level 1 at work, so when I return I’ll probably spend most of the morning unpacking all the boxes I packed way back on Thursday. I have a bit of a window view, so it’s not all bad, but I reckon I was ripped off, as we were initially told that we’d be choosing desks based on how long we’d been working at the company - and there are quite a few people with better spots than mine. Ah, to hell with it. I’m looking for a new job. Must remember.

Speaking of which, I have applied for a couple of jobs this evening - both web writing positions, which I think is the only area in IT that I could tolerate at the moment. Fingers crossed. You never know.

One thing that I did do today (aside from finishing my damn embroidered spacegirl on a pillowcase which has been taunting me for the better part of a year) is make a list of a few things that I would like to complete this year (sheesh, I should just come right out and say it, yes, they’re goals). They are:

• get a new job
• pay off my credit card
• finish honours (research topic)
• work on the first draft of my novel

I realise that possibly these are just things to do, but I am not usually a goal-y planny type, so these are pretty good for me. Next year’s thoughts might include:

• think about doing a Master’s degree
• publish something (creative)
• get a part time job

again, not anything earth-shattering, just some things I would like to think about.

Oh, and I’ve been meaning to upload a few more photos. Just… generally. Here you are:

(doh, sorry it’s sideways)

Caveat

Everything’s not completely crap, of course, just work. I had my exam for American Gothic on Tuesday, and it didn’t go as horribly as I thought it would. In fact it felt pretty OK. I’m scheduled in for a haircut. I got paid yesterday. Steve took me out for dinner two nights ago and got us both lovely takeaway curry from Little India last night.

But all the same, I really, really, really hate my job. And sometimes that’s all that seems to exist. It’s hard to look past that to the other stuff, the good stuff.

Horrorscope

Your plans are being met with harsh opposition today, Jessica. You have been going along at a slow and steady pace, but you will find that there is abrasive tension that arises the more you try to force your will on others. Gridlock is quite likely due to the fact that there are strong forces coming head to head. Neither one of them are in the mood to yield at this time.

Is it enough of an indication of how crap things are at the moment to just say that the above is true?

Catch up time

Have been rather busy lately. Steve and I made a trip through the Whirinaki National Park last week, which was muddy, tiring and so much fun! I’ll definitely be putting in some pictures in the near-ish future. In the meantime, I have an essay to write (on “the grotesque”), a screenplay to think about writing tomorrow, and I’ve just handed in a new preview for the Superman Returns game to NZGamer, who I’ve recently started writing for.

So far I’ve only done a couple of previews, on Untold Legends: The Warrior’s Code, and The Movies: Stunts and Effects. Both were pretty fun to write and research, though I’m looking forward to doing some more reviews. It’s just nice to have a few little projects on the side, I guess.

I’ve also applied for a couple of jobs, though I’m not sure how that department is going at the moment. I didn’t even get an interview for a library job I applied for (part time even!), and had a phone call yesterday for a testing job at Trade Me. You never know though, so I’m not going to start holding my breath. If something happens I’ll be pleasantly suprised. I don’t really want to bad mouth where I am at the moment - it just has a slowed-down, not as happy feeling these days. I’m just not happy. But yeah, I’m working on it.

I’ve also been tossing and turning about whether I should do a research topic as part of my honours degree or not - and I’ve finally decided that I think I’d be happier if I gave it a shot, rather than wondering if I should have done it or not. I want to do it on Haruki Murakami’s The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, tying it in with gothic. It feels like something nice to write about.

About me, work stuff

Morning! Though I see we’re nearing noontide. Ok then, just hi.

I finally got around to writing an “About Me” section. Click on the link above or check it out here. I hope it’s not too depressing. I’m aware that I’ve been blathering on about work a lot lately, in an abstract sort of way. Today I even wrote a pros vs cons list. You know things are getting bad when you’re writing those sorts of lists.

Anyway:

Pros

• Am pretty independent - no one really to tell me what to do. Self managed, etc.
• Can surf the web, download music, etc.
• Nice people (most of them)
• Good views from my desk.
• Cruisey
• up for a pay review soon?

Cons

• Actual work is boring
• There’s no challenge to the day anymore.
• No decision-making authority.
• No perks
• Owned by a large corporate. Hate Big Brother.
• Repetitive work.
• No advancement possible?
• Earthquake risks?

Yes I realise “earthquake risks” is a little bit on the desperate side, but so is “up for a pay review soon?”. The independence thing is something to be considered, however, not to be tossed aside lightly in favor of a job where you are squarely positioned under some manager’s thumb. But deep down, I know I need to progress, to grow, to learn, to take on new challenges. Frankly this job just doesn’t offer that. So, it’s now about having the guts to make a change, and to not just leap into anything. I want to find myself in a position where I’m a bit fulfilled. Where I have some flexible hours, or fewer hours, or some time to work from home.

A guy from class is an editor for NZGamer. He told me last week that they were looking for some new writers, and asked me to send in a writing sample if I was interested. Could be the start of something, who knows!

Have been Reading Mr. Blue

… my all-time favorite advice columnist (Garrison Keillor). This guy gives great advice:

To be a writer simply means to become an independent thinker, one without portfolio, and the world needs more such people, whether you eventually write crime novels, or poems about trees, or treatises on law, or blazing social commentary, or a cookbook. Independent thinking is a fine and worthy project for one’s middle years. Start out with exercises. Stake out the most radical position you feel you could possibly defend, that you would like to support, and argue for it. Write the most scathing jeremiad you can manage about something you know about. Write about your child. Write a homage to your favorite show, or your favorite shoes. Do these exercises for their own sake, to get you moving, to amuse you, to make you work, and meanwhile, look for what else you might put your hand to. And good luck.

A boy who loves to write should not necessarily be thrust into a school geared to turning out high achievers and happy test-takers who will push to the front of the professional treadmill. (I don’t know exactly what I mean by that last sentence, but it sounds good, doesn’t it?)

Conspire to give yourself periods of solitude. Rise early, if possible, to have an hour alone in which to think, read, walk, pray. Somewhere near you is a piece of land that’s comparatively wild: Attend it when you can. And put yourself in the presence of great art, whatever moves and delights you. This is what makes a symphony orchestra such a great community asset, or a fine art center, or a dance company, or theater — because they produce transcendent moments for hardworking people. You walk out of the hall after a great performance and you’re walking on air.

Don’t waste time in languishing — if you’re going to make mistakes, make active mistakes, not the small soggy ones.

Don’t settle for work that is less than what you can do. You pulled yourself up out of the swamp once, and you can do it again. You know what it takes. It isn’t selfish to want to find your life’s work. Figure out the finances, do what you need to do to make ends meet, sell the car and go back to school.

I just wish he was still at Salon. I’d write him.

I really, really, really, really don’t know what I want to do next. I was going to say “what to do with my life” but I guess that’s a pretty silly way to look at things. To imagine you can make one decision and then chart the rest of your life on that course. That’s just silly talk.

At the same time, though, I have no idea what I’m going to do next. On the one hand I enjoy working and having a daily routine. On the other, it’s pretty soul-destroying. I can’t stay here much longer. Things are really coming to a head, I think. I’d really like to do something totally frivilous for a while - work in a book store part time, or a bakery or something weird like that. Work some weird wee hours and have the days to myself. I don’t know what I want. Something meaningful, where I feel as if I really am making a contribution to the world. I was contemplating Ecology or Environmental studies earlier, after seeing that come up in a test I did on some careers planning site. And really, yes, ecology would be interesting. People who work in Ecology are dedicated, caring, interested, outdoorsy…

I guess I’m afraid to walk down a particular path, knowing that I will be essentially shutting the door on everything else. Mind you, sitting on the fence (stagnating in the mosquito pond, etc. etc.) is getting me absolutely nowhere.

Signs that it is your current employment making you unhappy

Signs that it is your current employment making you unhappy could include:

    * no interest in doing any professional development in the same area of work
    * no interest in promotion opportunities or limited opportunities for promotion
    * wanting a change of lifestyle (possibly more money or less pressure)
    * wanting more or less responsibility
    * unreasonable workloads and working too many hours
    * lack of flexibility in hours
    * too much or too little travel
    * harassment/bullying
    * no access to training or professional development
    * wanting to improve your pay or work conditions.

Other work-related indications that you may need to consider making a career change could be:

    * feeling bored
    * wondering where the challenge has gone
    * feeling unappreciated and having a sense of being stuck with no way out
    * feeling unwell too often
    * a feeling that the real you exists only outside work
    * doubting your earlier career choices
    * not being able to express your values and beliefs
    * dreading having to go to work in the morning.

On a positive note, you may be feeling a sense of accomplishment and completion with your circumstances, and ready for a new challenge or looking forward to changes in the near future.

http://www.kiwicareers.govt.nz/pathfinder/Articles/Article298.htm